Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
