For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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