Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
