sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
