I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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