Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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