Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
