I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
