She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
