don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
