I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He felt like a one man threesome
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
