I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
