I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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