i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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