I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
