I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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