Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I pour the whiskey from now on
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
