ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
