I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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