i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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