You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
