Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
