somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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