i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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