I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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