I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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