Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
