i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
