My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
