My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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