My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
