Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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