youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
