I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
