I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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