I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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