At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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