im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
vagina is talking i cant
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
