Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
