Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize