I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
