I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
