cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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