I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
