What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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