Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
