I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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