Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
