if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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