I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
