I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I have tasted many bathrooms
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize