The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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