My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
