how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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