the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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