Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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