i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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