Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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