I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
