Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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