pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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