can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i love accidental penises.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
