I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
