hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
