I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
