i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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