ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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